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DM Tales: Laying on Hands

One of the interesting things that has cropped up with me starting the blog is the number of people handing me stories. I've posted them a few times, and even had one battle report, but there's one guy who keeps sending me some slightly disturbing stuff.

But I'd be lying if I didn't say they weren't enthralling.

Here's one story from the guy.

"Hi Teach,
I was reading your post about DnD, and I just wanted to share this story.

Like I said before, I DM games over on [redacted], and had just started with a new PUG [Ed- pick up group]. Simple enough game, literally going through the Pathfinder starter box kit but they'd made some custom characters for it.

Awful, awful players though, as you'd expect from my stories. There was a "spell sword" who had taken the starter wizard and given him a Great sword, an atheist cleric (real original), and a gnome paladin.

As you'd expect, the wizard got his head cut off by Goblins before they even entered the dungeon.

DM: Okay, you've won initiative... what do you do?

Wizard: I charge forward and swing my great sword!

DM: You know you have cantrips right?

Wizard: No bro, I'm a spell sword! I attack with my 6-foot steel blade!

You know how I feel about people who call me bro.

DM: Okay, roll your dice...

Wizard rolls d20 = 12


DM: Yup you miss. The goblins attack back...

Goblin1 rolls d20 = 15


Damage: 1d4+2 = 5

Goblin2 rolls d20 = 13


Damage: 1d4+2 = 4

DM: Okay, you're knocked to the round as the goblins plunge their rusty daggers into your belly. You're dying there...

Wizard: What?!

DM: Maybe your friends can help you out? Clerics can heal.

Cleric: My character doesn't believe in that healing bull[readacted]

DM: ... Right. Paladin's can lay on hands.

Paladin: Nah, I'm saving it for later. I move to attack the goblins.

DM: You know he's dying right?

Paladin: Yeah but what if I get hit later?

So the wizard rage quits there, and the cleric and paladin chop up the goblins. They get halfway though when they come to the part where the cleric is meant to shine (literally) by using Turn Undead on some skeletons.

His response was as follows...

Cleric: My character doesn't believe in Turning Undead.

So with their anti-undead power refusing to use class features, the two get butchered by the skeletons. Cleric goes down.

DM: Okay, as you swing your long sword you finally cleave the last skeleton in two, powered bone fragments exploding around the room. Cleric's dying dude, now would be a good time to use Lay on Hands.

Paladin: ...

Cleric: Oh come on!

Paladin: What? I might need it later!

Cleric: I'm bleeding out here!

Paladin: Yeah, but what if I get poisoned or something.

Great group this.

So the atheist cleric dies, and he drops out of the game. We're down to a rather battered gnome paladin, but still has his Lay on Hands.

The end of the adventure ends with meeting a black dragon in his lair. It's not designed to be a real fight. If the players get a Dragon Slaying sword by exploring the dungeon the dragon flies away after getting hit once. Otherwise it just flies away after taking about twenty points of damage.

No, this paladin wasn't bright enough to explore the dungeon, so he didn't have the sword.

Credit where credit is due though, he did the whole paladin thing well. As soon as he saw the dragon he went full knight of the round table.

Paladin: In the name of the small people everywhere, I shall slay thee, evil dragon!! I ready my sword in challenge.

So how would you act if a mouse threatens you with a thumb tack.

DM: The dragon raises an eye brow, and makes no move to deal with you.

Paladin: I charge the beast, and swipe out with my sword!!!

Paladin rolls d20 = 1

Critical miss

DM: Your gnome rushes forward, and trips on a rock in front of the dragon... good use of surprise there. The dragon roars with laughter at your antics. Roll initiative.

Paladin rolls d20 = 17

BDragon rolls d20 = 5

Paladin: I scramble to my feet a stab with my sword.

Paladin rolls d20 = 7

DM: As you get to your feet, you strike out but the blow glances off the dragons scales. Instantly going from amused to irritated, the dragon slams his claw on your head...

BDragon rolls d20 = 20

Critical hit

BDragon rolls d20 = 17

Critical Confirmed

Damage: 2d8 + 6 (Critical) = 24

DM: ... aand you are a pancake.

Paladin: !!!

DM: Yeah, trying to solo a dragon was probably a bad idea.

Paladin: Is there anything I can do?

DM: You saved Lay on Hands right?

Paladin: Oh yeah!

DM: ... too bad your hands are smashed to jelly.

He left the game immediately after that.

As always, there's no moral to this story. Just wanted to share a stupid thing that happened to stupid people. Have a good one Teach."

- Doctor of Dunegoneering

Thanks for the story! Had me in stitches for a whole lesson!

Until next time!

Thanks for reading.

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